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November 2013

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Nov. 4th, 2013

Judge

Blocked

Sooooooo, I guess I've been gone so long that some dicks tried to hack my account, so LJ blocked it.  Nice work, team.  I'm here now, at least for a little bit.  I tend to go on random hiatuses.  Live just...takes over.  I'm alive though, so that's positive!

There is only one thing that I have in me to say because I'm feeling under the weather and not very verbose.

I met someone on OKCupid.  I've only been with him twice, text with him off and on over the last couple weeks, but I feel...comfortable.  We have a ton in common, mostly our love for Final Fantasies.  There are only a couple people in my life that have any idea I write fanfiction--a couple close friends, my ex boyfriend, and now him.  I never let my ex read anything I wrote, not even my best friend.

I sent him a story today.

My heart is in my throat.  Fuck.

Mar. 16th, 2013

Judge

Fuck this shit

I'm drunk, hurt, and lonely as a mother fucker today.  I've come to the realization that the word 'love' means fuckin' jack squat unless you back it up. I've been praying, craving a family that accepts me despite the fucks ups and the uphill battles I face but I've yet to encounter this, so tonight I'm fucking wasted because I could find no other way to cope other than with booze and music.  And even with that I still want to end it.  But surprisingly I'm still anal enough about my typing that I'm making myself correct every fuck up.  God damn I'm a mess.

Yes I guess this is a pity post but I'm in a house full of people but so fucking lonely I'm just beside myself with impenetrable depression.  Fuck this.   I can't wait to black out.

Feb. 17th, 2013

Judge

Cracked

I cracked these past couple of weeks.  My weaknesses were exposed, my faults were thrown in my face and I fell apart.  But the good news is that even though I was rubbed raw, to the bone, the flesh is healing and I'm stronger for it.  I see what I need to correct and I'm taking steps to make it so.  It's a daily battle, trying to change something so deeply ingrained in you, but I do have a good support system that recognizes and understands the dysfunction and won't let me fall back into the shit I've been standing in.  They believe in me, and for that I must reward them and believe in myself.

On another note, veganism is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself.  I'm taking precautions like taking a multi vitamin and adding a b-12 supplement, but I've dropped at least 7 lbs in the last couple of weeks.  Because I have no animal products on the brain, it's easier to say no to processed junk and eat things that are much healthier.  I went to an art show yesterday which was called a Bacon Social.  They served bacon EVERYTHING.  I almost broke, but I stood strong and shoved almonds in my mouth to halt the temptation.  I swear, bacon makes the world go round...

I've fallen in love with a new band - The Neighbourhood.  There is a hipster movement, and a movement against the movement.  Apparently this band has hipster juice.  If loving them makes me a hipster, a hipster I shall be.  Fuck it.  I don't place labels on myself, but I'm not going to worry about it if someone else does.   I love my FF8, my video games in general, writing fanfiction, listening to epic tunes, singing at karaoke bars, and dancing like I don't give a shit.  <3

Feb. 4th, 2013

Judge

Vegan ka-bob

Right now I am at an awkward point.  I've made a decision to change my dietary habits (which concerns NO ONE but me) and somehow this decision causes 'disharmony' in the household.  Let me elaborate:

I made a facebook post about a documentary I watched that might have solidified my choice to go vegan.  I didn't say anything to my aunt and uncle (whom I live with) about the issue even though they found it just fine to blow up my facebook with their opinions. 

I came home and didn't say ANYTHING about it, and suddenly I was faced with a wave of teasing.  Harsh teasing.  Some of it from my Aunt didn't feel like teasing at all honestly.  And I wasn't okay with all of it, but I took it in stride.  So Sunday rolls around, Super Bowl which means chicken wings.  Wings I offered to help cook even though I knew I wouldn't be partaking (and this is a huge point, because even though I changed, I do NOT expect anyone else to change or give a shit I did).  So before the festivities, my uncle takes me aside to basically tell me I shouldn't be there for the get together and because I will apparently judge everyone around me, I am...in a sense, cast out of the tribe.  My decision will cause disharmony to the family unit and it's MY FAULT.

I  swear to God, I didn't even understand what I was hearing.  What I'm eating (or not eating) matters?  WHY!?  I can't explain or describe how hurt I am by this.  And while a part of me might know exactly why he thinks this way, it makes it no easier to know that I am not accepted because of a choice that serves no one but me.  He threw his kids (my cousins) in my face (like I'd be a bad influence), and he threw religion in my face like not eating a Turkey and practicing organized religion is the same.  Today as I type this my heart continues to pump with a dull ache.  Everyone I've told is just...floored by the logic, which there seems to be none.  And the kicker is...he said he respected my decision.  No, you can't.  Not if this is how you treat the person who made it.

Can anyone make sense of this?  I sure can't, and I've been trying to figure it out since it happened.  I just sometimes feel like I will never be accepted by anyone.  If my family can't accept me, who the hell will?

Feb. 2nd, 2013

Judge

Vegan

Today I made the decision to go Vegan (mostly).

I believe the decision has been long and coming as I've been slowly pushing most meat products out of my diet for the last several weeks.  That was a health choice.  Then today I watched a documentary that touched on the unethical treatment of animals and the overproduction as well as the health benefits in not eating animal based food.  That was close to the breaking point.  Tonight, I spoke with a couple friends who ARE vegan and explained further on some of the...processes when it comes to 'tenderizing' the meat before it gets to us.  Then I almost threw up.

One thing I want clear - I have no intentions of preaching or converting anyone to my way of living.  Today is a personal choice I've made to change.  I'm already facing some negativity on the decision from my family (on facebook of all places...I had a New Years Resolution not to argue on facebook, so I'm not even responding to any of it) but this feels like a right decision.  I'm not saying that I might never have the urge to eat a cheeseburger or a piece of melty cheese pizza, but for now this is what I'm going to do.

Jan. 19th, 2013

Judge

BURRITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSS

Black bean burritos with wheat tortillas....holy shit, where have you been all my life?  And something about sharp cheddar cheese just brings it on home.

Things are moving along.  I broke it off with my Aussie pal.  My best friend got a good laugh out of me when I told her the main reason I wasn't 'playing' with him anymore was because he developed deeper feelings for me.  I'm all about having sexy time, but I'm not trying to break a man's heart.  I have emotions, you know.

Work has been stressful.  I never thought working at a Customer Service Call Center for magazine publications would give me such anxiety.  What I find hilarious is my second job at a front desk for hotel is my low stress job.  Uuuugh....  I need the money though.  Bummer is I haven't really been able to tap into my creative brain for awhile which tends to be a stress reliever, but at least my social life isn't completely in the shitter.

Eh, I know there's more, but I feel a food coma coming on...

Jan. 6th, 2013

Judge

Holy crap

Something I'm learning very quickly in my life is never say never. 
Adult contentCollapse )

Dec. 29th, 2012

Judge

Match update

Yes...so...this online dating website thing...it's not so bad. 

Really, I have more balls on it than I do in real life, haha.  I've pushed myself to email people that I think I might be far from their league (I suffer from terrible self esteem, so I think I'm out of everyones' league generally).  Yes, there have been a few 'not interested' and some general lack of response period.  However, I have received responses from two people.  TWO!  That's more than I even expected.  One in particular we've exchanged a couple responses back and forth.  He seems like a nice, fun guy (nice looking too, if not a little short). I have to actively remind myself not to get too far ahead of myself or I'm liable to be disappointed.  One day at a time is all I can hope for...

Today has been boring and low key, but I needed it.  These past three days I've worked both my jobs (Wednesday and Thursday 14 hour shifts, Friday a double...) so it's no surprise I was dead to the world for eight hours.  I'm hoping to be able to do something somewhat fun tomorrow like see a movie.  New Years Eve I'm spending with my cousin.  Should be a good time.  I'm looking forward to next week.

Dec. 25th, 2012

Judge

Squee

Well, these past four days off went by way too fucking fast.  But I'm kind of glad they are over so I can go back to eating better and shedding the weight I lost then put back on (because the holidays are evil like that).

I went to two Christmas parties yesterday, and I have to say I had a great time at both.  I discovered that my best friend also joined Match.com so it seems we may attend stir events together (we've created code phrases for what's an A and what's a fail).  She wants me to coax her to talk to guys more...like I have an easier time with it or something.  Oh well, perhaps this is a good things.  I do have a habit of balancing situations, so where she'd lack I'd add to.  I have hope for us.

I'm not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow considering tomorrow starts my three days run of back to back shifts.  By Saturday, I'll surely be dead.  I do have something to look forward to though - I'll be spending New Years Eve with my cousin and meeting her biological father the next day (...long story).

Things are on the up.

Dec. 24th, 2012

Judge

Match

Today I paid for a subscription to Match.com for three months.  I'm sure some of your think this idea is lame, but screw you I did it anyway.  Really, meeting people in this area is not easy.  There are a lot of psychos...so I'm told.  But I believe them.

Anyway, I've made the first step and scoped out a few potentials.  We'll see how this rolls.  For now, I think I'm going to eat some leftover brisket.

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